Dance

I wrote this for a writing contest a few weeks ago. The theme asked the question, "When did you first understand what love was?" Unfortunately, due to a crazy schedule I didn't make the deadline for the contest, but this was so in my heart I had to write it anyway. Those that read it told me that there was another place for it. Here, on this day, is the place for it. Because the dance continues.. and will continue, despite the music...

They were teenagers in the 50’s, the decade of sock hops and dance marathons. They married and started their family in the 60’s, the decade of dancing to the beat of your own drum. They have probably danced hundreds of thousands of dances together, but it was one dance that caught my heart. It was one dance that showed me what love was.

I don’t remember mom and dad being terribly demonstrative when I was growing up. I take that back, Daddy was. I remember vividly the whoosh of his recliner as it returned to its upright position. I remember him displaying his most exaggerated pucker lips as he left his chair and crawled on his hands and knees to where my mom was napping on the couch. He would smooch the air, until she woke up, took one look at him, and playfully demanded that he leave her alone. He was comically flirty, she fittingly coy. And this was their dance.

` They knew each other so well, they could anticipate each other’s steps. Mom instinctively knew just how Daddy would lead, and she would follow. They danced through life, having children, watching them grow and giving them up to new dance partners. Grandchildren came and with them came even more dancing - Goofy grandparent dancing. Their music was the joys of life. Sometimes the beat was slow and steady… sometimes a bit frantic and overwhelming but they always danced with grace no matter what life’s soundtrack brought.

To tell the truth I never really caught on that their life, their love was a dance. It wasn’t until a new more sinister beat began to echo. My dad heard it first. The doctor told him it was prostate cancer that had spread to the bone. The pain was unimaginable, and it stilled him for a bit. Mom put all her energy into taking care of him and it worked. He was soon crawling across the floor to the couch where she lay resting; blowing exaggerated kisses until she woke up and the dancing began again.

But just like a bad song on the radio, the sinister music hadn’t played out. And this time my mom was caught up in the beat. Multiple Myeloma brought more unimaginable pain. And it was then that I began to understand the dance.

Mom was truly in so much pain that she could hardly breathe, let alone move, but she had to move. As she stood up, pain hit her body so hard she couldn’t go anymore. She stood there weeping, unable to take another step and unable to sit back down. Daddy wrapped his arms around her. I thought he was simply going to help her get moving again, but he just stood there holding her. And after a few minutes, I realized he wasn’t just holding her… he was swaying with her. She relaxed and followed his lead. For several minutes they danced to some sweet melody that only they could hear. He had danced this dance before.. He knew the pain. And he was taking the lead now, holding her tight and not allowing death to cut in. He knew there was more dancing to be done and he was not willing to give up his dance partner.

I cherish the memory of this moment, and I thank God that I got to witness it. It was true love and true romance and true fight, this love that dances no matter the music.

Here we go again....

Well, it's been over a year since I wrote what I had hoped would be the final post on this blog. Unfortunately, we have discovered that while mom may have bested Multiple Myeloma, another contender has stepped into the ring, trying to have a go at her..

Here's the latest news in a nutshell...

Sunday afternoon, mom and I had planned to go shopping, but I received a call from dad saying that she wasn't feeling well and had decided to go get checked out at our local ER. Mom has been doing really well since the days of MM, so her not feeling well kind of threw me. Mom just doesn't get sick.. and when she does, it's a doozy.

Still ,we weren't too worried as all her symptoms seemed to point to gall bladder issues. You must understand that the war between our family and gall bladders is legendary. The gall bladders attack each of us one by one, taking us down in a storm of pain and belching... but we rise victorious. We just find a nice friendly doctor and ask that the gall bladder be removed far from our bodies to be stored in some glass jar at some remote medical facility never to hurt us again. In fact, Mom and Mike are the only ones who still have their gall bladders. The gall bladder battle is so insidious that it crosses blood lines and even attacks family by marriage. My sister in law is fighting her own gall bladder even as I write this.

So my point is, gall bladder, not such a big deal.. We've all been there, done that!

And yet, mom's gall bladder seemed to not be so simple. The battle lines there were just not quite as clear, so it was decided that further investigation would be necessary and our little local ER moved mom to the big city hospital across town.

Still, we weren't too fazed. We were certain we could deal with any gall bladder issue.. We had experience on our side.

The big city hospital put mom on the oncology floor.. you know, the one reserved for cancer patients. I was almost thrown at this point, but mom offered that this was simply a precaution due to her history with MM and she actually appreciated it. I bought this explanation and pushed away any creeping anxiety.

Monday came and tests were performed. Unfortunately, the big test, the deciding test, the test that would change our little world as we knew it was ordered wrong and we had to wait until Tuesday to take the test and hear the results.

My brother, Mark, was with mom and dad when they got the results and he began the task of informing us. I am grateful that he called my husband Jim first, instead of me. Jim came to where I was working and was with me when I learned the news.

Cancer had returned.

But it wasn't the same cancer. Multiple Myeloma is still being held at bay. This was a new enemy. Cholangio Carcinoma.

A tumor was growing around the bile duct and eventually completely blocked it, causing mom's liver to quit functioning properly. This was causing her symptoms and dealing with this blockage became the priority.

On Wednesday, mom, who by now had taken on the hue of BigBird, underwent a procedure that completely and successfully unblocked her bile duct. Her liver could now do it's job! Not only is the duct draining into the small bowel as is it's job, but mom is sporting a new accessory bag where her liver is draining from her side. This is just temporary, but it's needed to get everything back in order.

The doctor's chose not to do a biopsy of the tumor during this procedure because they didn't want to traumatize the liver more than necessary. Instead she will have the biopsy tomorrow and get a matching tube and bag for her gall bladder.

This morning, she was all pink again and feeling better. Her bilirubin levels were normal, which is glorious word when dealing with what we are dealing with. The immediate danger has passed, but we still have the rest of that nasty tumor to deal with.

The biopsy tomorrow will confirm the Cholangio Carcinoma diagnosis and I'm praying it doesn't. But no matter what... mom says God is in control and together they beat Multiple Myeloma..and that same power, that same grace is still with her. I have no doubt that this new contender will be knocked out in the first round!

The post that has been 2 years in the making....

I thought that some of you might like to know what's been going on these past two years since my last post. The answer is nothing. Absolute blissful, sweet nothingness. Oh, mom has continued getting Zometa, the medication that is making her bones stronger, and she goes regularly for check ups but every report has been better than the last.

Blood Tests - Normal
Full Body X-rays - Normal
Back to Shopping, Cooking and Generally Spoiling her Grandkids - Normal

That's not to say that everything is back to normal. I don't think anyone in the family will ever go back to the normal that was before the diagnosis. There is a new appreciation for God's grace and mercy that you don't acquire unless you go through difficult circumstances.

Job said it best. " My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you." (Job 42:5)

It is easy to speak of God's love and compassion, but to speak of it after you have gone through the kind of fire where you have to rely solely on Him, is more difficult.. mainly due to the lump in your throat. Times like these draw us closer to God, and we know Him more intimately and learn His voice and His ways. After you have seen God this way, things can never be the same, nor would we ever want them to be.

The change is subtle on the outside, but noticeable none the less... especially, it seems, by children.

On two different occasions, after Mom's hair had grown back in, two different little girls asked Mom what had happened to her hair. These little girls had never seen Mom before and even if they had, her hair had grown into the same short cut she always wore before her chemo, yet they saw something had changed about her. Something had. God had leaned in really close and kissed her. And you can't hide God's kisses.

Long Awaited Update...

First, let me apologize for taking so long to update. I will explain why after I tell you how Mom is doing today.

Great.. She is doing great. She is taking a little time to recover after the stem cell transplant but everyday is a little better. Her blood counts are taking their time rising, but they are rising. She went to the doctor this morning, half expecting to need a transfusion, but her hemoglobin, though low, was rising.. and that is great news. She started back on her Zometa IV today which will strengthen and repair some of the bone damage caused by the myeloma.

Her back is weak but that hasn't stopped her from resuming some of her old activities. She has been going to church, to the grocery store, to restaurants and more. Her hair is growing back beautifully. I think it is going to be thicker and darker than it was, and I'm thinking it is going to be straighter, too. Right now, it looks just like a very cute pixie cut.

Now, why did it take me so long to fill everyone in on all the good news....

Well, back when Mom went in for all her tests that would confirm how successful we knew the stem cell transplant was, we were expecting to hear the word "remission". We didn't.

Mom still has some myeloma cells.. that's the bad news. But the good news is those cells aren't causing any damage or reeking any havoc. I have to be honest and say that I focused on that bad news for a while and I didn't want to update the blog and have to say those cells were still there. That simply wasn't the plan. I guess I figured if I didn't write it, it wouldn't be real. It's not that I was in denial... it's just that I was being very selective about what reality I would accept.

I have watched Mom get stronger and more active and I began to realize that a few myeloma cells can't mess up God's plans.

And then the other day, God reminded me of a story in the Bible that, for some reason, seems appropriate to share here.

Numbers 13 tells the story of Moses sending men from each of the twelve tribes out to inspect the land of Canaan.

In much the same way, the Doctor sent x-ray technicians, phlebotomists, nurses and the like to inspect Mom.

In the Bible, the men came back with the old good news/bad news scenario... The good news: The land really is flowing with milk and honey.! The fruit is delicious! The cities are beautiful! The bad news: Ummm... well, there are some people that live there.. they look pretty scary.. pretty tough and really really big. There are giants in that land, so hey, this wilderness doesn't look so bad..

Kind of like when Mom got her test results.. The good news: Kidneys look great. Bones look great.. no new damage of any kind. The bad news: We still have some myeloma cells.. (Ok, to me, myeloma cells, though microscopic, are the equivalent of giants in the land.)

Just then Caleb and Joshua spoke up. They had seen the giants too, but they weren't afraid of them. They knew God was on their side and that He had promised to lead them.

The doctor spoke up. He had seen the myeloma cells, but he also saw how well Mom was doing. He told her those cells weren't going to keep her from feeling good. They might be there, but they weren't going to hurt her or cause problems.

Now the rest of the story unfolds like this.. Of the twelve spies who went into Canaan, 10 focused on the bad news. They were punished. They never got to go live in the land. The two that focused on God, Caleb and Joshua, inherited the land and God's promises.

I want to be like Caleb and Joshua. Mom and Dad already are. They are "strong and courageous" as God commanded Joshua to be. God could have caused Mom to be in remission. God could have healed Mom completely, (something the doctors can't do) but He didn't. And it's not because He was withholding it from us. It's because He is giving us an even more precious gift than healing, the gift of walking in Faith every day, living with courage every day, and EVERY DAY building a closer and stronger relationship with Him.

A few years ago I wrote an essay called "Daddy's Hug" that was published in a Chicken Soup book. The basic story was how I was jilted by some Romeo my freshman year of college. This heartbreaking event sent me home to my dad who made it all better with just a hug. It was a hug I will always remember, and it was a hug that would not have happened without that heartbreak.

Mom and Dad are walking in the perpetual hug of God right now. No wonder Mom looks so good. She is glowing, because she is leaning on her Saviour and His glory is shining through. And just like Caleb and Joshua did inherit the promises of God, despite the giants in the land.. I now know Mom will live a long, healthy life, inheriting her own promises from God, despite those teeny tiny cells.

God has a plan. And I now fully trust Him.

Not only is the grass growing...

but Mom's hair is growing too! If you look closely you can see all her new growth coming in. She is feeling good these days and right now is looking forward to getting her port removed. She will be going in tomorrow morning.. If she no longer needs fluids or blood, chances are great that she won't have to wear that port anymore. We are also hoping she gets the results of all her tests last week. We know by looking at her that the stem cell transplant did it's job... we are just anxious for the doctor to say it too. I will update as soon as we get the results.

And now for something completely different

Another update, but this time the update is on Dad.

He had surgery today to repair a hernia. Mark is with him, while Mike and I are home with Mom. She is feeling better, but probably not up to waiting in a waiting room.. but then does any one feel up to waiting in a waiting room.

Dad is now out of surgery and in recovery. He did very well.. and apparently so did the surgeon. Not only did he repair daddy's hernia, but he also discovered a stranded gall stone, hanging around long after daddy's gall bladder removal years ago.

The gall stone was removed, the hernia was repaired, and all is well. Thanks for you prayers.

Edited to let everyone know that daddy is home and resting comfortably.. ok, comfortably might be a bit of a stretch.. but he is as comfortable as one could be after surgery.

Also stay tuned for updates on my mom.. her 100th day (from the stem cell transplant) is coming up next week. We will celebrate with x-rays and a bone marrow biopsy. I'll give all the details very soon!

The Grass is Growing

I just wanted to post a quick update so everyone could see how much the "grass has grown" around here...

• Mom can finally taste food again


• And it tastes good!


• We even went out to eat the other day.


• She told me that she feels like things are working right again.


• And to prove that, she went to her weekly doctor visit and all her numbers were good. She didn't need blood, platelets, fluids.. Her body was making everything she needed.

And all this is just in time around here. Daddy is going to have surgery on Wednesday to repair a hernia, so the roles will be a little reversed . Mom will be the caregiver .. (Actually, Megan, Mark, Mike and I be hanging around quite a bit too)

So, Mom's getting better.. Daddy's going to be better.. yep.. the grass is growing around here.. because it's being watered with all your prayers. Keep praying because the grass is sure pretty.